Until a few seconds ago, my hands were all that was keeping my head together, my forefingers massaging my temples, as the remaining fingers cupped my forehead. If there was a ever a day I needed to cozy up with a cup of coffee, and have a heart to heart with a bestie, this morning was it. But, they’re all far flung these days. One friend sets up tea dates via Skype with her friends back in France. I’d love to get something like that going with my Brooklyn crew; perhaps that nourishment would make the tough days feel more manageable.
I realize, as I get older, that I’m more prickly in my behavior. Or perhaps I’m just more in tune with what I need, and that just makes life feel louder when the needs can’t be fulfilled.
It’s silly little things, like finding a café I can curl up in with my laptop. I want great coffee, in a real cup, and food that I want to eat, not just order mindlessly because I’m hungry. And then there’s the atmosphere. I need a good vibe, one I can feed off of to spur my writing. Right now, the only way to check all those boxes means an hour commute into D.C. Not a big deal on the surface, but considering my work hours officially start once I drop off the kids, and cease in time for school pick up at 3:15pm, two hours round trip isn’t always possible.
But where am I going with this one? I don’t know myself. A few days ago, one of my besties asked if I was happy to be home, upon arriving upstate. I told her I was happy to be at my house, but I don’t know where home is anymore. It’s not easy to admit feeling so lost at 42 years of age. Adults are supposed to have their shit together by this point, right? Especially adults with the responsibility of two children.
Today is Friends Day on Facebook, to celebrate the company’s 12th birthday. I don’t know where I’d be without the core group of women (and one dude, yes Davey, you’re my dude). I imagine in a much worse state than I feel at the moment. I’m not necessarily in a dark place, just a tough place. Lots of decisions to make in the coming months, and no answer “checks all the boxes”. I know by now that life is a compromise; I’m just glad that I never have to compromise on choosing one best friend. They all nourish the many sides that make up the often complicated, cranky, sarcastic, stubborn, witty, crass, and I think they’d agree funny girl behind this screen.