thankful thursdays {12.24.2015}

There’s a Dylan CD sitting in my Amazon shopping cart for four years now. I put it there as a bookmark in the summer of 2011, as a reminder of a gift I wanted to buy M for Christmas that year. But it was a different holiday than we all expected. Much as I would like to buy the CD for myself, it stays there as a reminder, a moment frozen in time. He is always with me, and that’s something I becoming more comfortable with, odd as that may sound. I carry him in my heart, and my head, while building, or at least trying to build, a new life, with a new love.

I had a dream a few weeks ago. My guy and I were at a party, and I ran into Mikey. We talked, the way old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years would, without missing a beat. Soon it was time to leave, and I glanced towards my guy waiting at the door. I looked at M, and said with an awkward hesitation, “I have to go now”. He looked me in the eye, and said, “ I know; it’s okay”. We hugged goodbye, and I walked out of the party, hand-in-hand with my guy, feeling happy and at peace. That’s how I felt leaving North Carolina this weekend, my heart and mind well-nourished after spending time with a dear friend who gets me like no one else in the world. And like Ilina, I know that dream was not the last I will see of M.

He is in the cardinals I see all around; reminders of the birds that used to grace our backyard in Brooklyn. He’s in the poppies that bloomed in our garden upstate this past spring. He’s in the Batman USB key that I couldn’t help buying when I glanced at it in a bookstore last week. He’s in every juice glass I admire, whispering in my head, “Why can’t we have big glasses to drink from?”.

As my guy and I settle in for our first Christmas together, I’m thankful for his patience and willingness to navigate this all with me. The love he’s given me, and the way he shows it, is the most beautiful gift of all. Merry Christmas, baby.

Music Pairing: Let’s Make Christmas Mean Something This Year (parts 1&2) by James Brown


  • Faith Bahadurian

    That is a most beautiful dream that you’ve described. How wonderful – in spite of the pain – and brave your journey has been; thank you for sharing it with us. Wishing you peace and joy this holiday season.

  • Sara

    Your way with words, beautiful. Brought twars to my eyes actually. That dream I think would bring anyone peace and comfort. That CD left in your Amazon cart is like a saved voicemail, leave it if it’s good for you and one day you’ll either let it go or finally buy it and listen to it when you need to. 🙂 Merry Christmas!

  • Debbie

    I had the exact same dream about my Mom! She told me it was okay and I truly believe she was talking to me! I had a sense of closure after that dream. Merry Christmas!

  • Emily Young

    I am so happy that you have found love and peace. I am inspired by how you so eloquently live and describe a beautiful live. A life that has obviously not been easy, in fact full of some of the most unimaginable pain, yet is full of wonderful old memories, beautiful new memories and new experiences. Merry Christmas to you, your man, your families and a toast to cherishing old memories while creating new.

  • Julie

    Merry Christmas! I love your dream and how much it represents your love for Mikey and also moving forward with new adventures and new happiness. xoxo

  • DamselflyDiary

    For those of us that believe in such things, M was actually visiting you in your dream and giving you permission to carry-on.

    Those that have passed on find many ways to communicate with us, but our dreams are perhaps the easiest way. Even people that don’t remember their dreams receive these visits and they impact them profoundly at a subconscious level.

    What a blessing to have such a beautiful dream. Love is limitless and you have enough for M, your new love, your children, your friends, and so much more!

  • Jennifer Perillo

    Yes, it was a blessing to have the dream, and remember it, too. Happy New Year to you.