100 Days

Moving forward, but not leaving you behind.

The life you possessed is captured in the lens with which I now see life.

The first day of school.

The first Halloween.

Revisiting some our very own firsts. Cafe Borgia, our first cappucino together. The Cable Building, our first kiss. Fanelli's—you had the crab cakes, I had a burger.

Matthew Sweet finally came back to town, 86 days too late.

You made your mark at Blue Smoke.

We made our mark in the sands of Cape Cod.

Gina's mom made us sugo—you would've loved, loved, loved it.

And I'm slowly coming out of my fog, cooking a little more each day.

100 days seems impossible and cruel.

I miss your laugh, your smile, your snoring, rubbing my fingers through your thick brown hair, your gnarly toe nails, the flecks of grey hair across your chest.

Yes, I miss every part of your being, yet you send me signs every day that you're watching. Perhaps waiting to accept this is all true too.

40 Comments

  • Jodi

    My heart aches for you Jennie as you continue to heal. Keeping you and the girls in my thoughts and prayers!

  • Ann

    Wow – I’ve been thinking of you. I saw your tweet that it was 100 days and I was floored…..
    Wishing you well – as always.

  • Nina

    Dear Jennie,
    Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength. I’m so glad to see you spending more time on your other passion … cooking. Je vous embrasse and much love from France.
    XOXO

  • amy

    Jenny my heart goes out to you and your girls. Many hugs because this is the time of year that really sucks when you lose someone so loved by you.
    I can feel that the fog is lifting by the way you write about it and I know what you are going thru, in a way. I lost my mom to a sudden heart attack when I was 18 and getting ready to leave for college but it is not same, youh loss is a little different when it was your husband that you love so much. His strength and love is with you all the time. xoxo

  • Jacqueline

    You posses such grace. I am deeply touched by your experiences and the words you give to them. Wishing you peace on your journey.

  • SuperBabe

    I have no words… just profound admiration at your courage – sending hugs of strenght your way as you continue moving forward and letting us in in the process. My thoughts are with you and your girls.

  • Marisa

    Jennifer – It’s so hard to believe that it’s been 100 days. I feel your pain – i literally do. Your words are so beautiful and inspiring. Big hugs to you and those beautiful girls of yours from me and my girls….
    xoxo
    Marisa

  • Susan Raider

    When I suffered after my husband’s sudden death when I was 38 with 2 children a friend sent me a quote, “it takes time, and time is all it takes,” from James Clavell’s Shogun. It is 12.5 years later. I am very happily remarried, and I still miss him all the time, only now without acute pain, always a dull ache. You will see.. 100, 200, 500 days. One day you will feel your smile again, not just put it on. One day you will wake up and not have that moment of horror as you remember he is gone. One day…

  • Christine

    Can’t imagine. There’s a country song by Patty Loveless that always makes me think of you and I tear up, just thinking about how I’d feel if it were me. Silly since I don’t even know you, but anyway.
    Some Lyrics:
    How can I help you to say goodbye?
    It’s OK to hurt, and it’s OK to cry.
    Come, let me hold you and I will try.
    How can I help you to say goodbye?
    Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom…
    She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand.
    She said, I have to go now, my time here is over
    And with her final word, she tried to help me understand.
    Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain.
    Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same.

  • Cath

    Oh, it’s so good to hear from you again….I find myself thinking of you and the girls so much and watching for your posts….Mikey is with you, we all hear it in your words, your voice….he helped make you the person you are today…that love is still there…not being able to reach out and touch him is what is breaking your heart….we all have lost someone and can somewhat know that lonely, heartbreaking feeling.
    You’re one of the lucky ones…to have had that kind of powerful, all consuming love in your life is such a gift…
    You’re in my thoughts and prayers….

  • Rose D., NJ USA

    Ms. Jennie, my heart continues to hurt for you and your girls. Sending you strength and courage today and always. Much love… ~rose

  • Erica

    Your beauty, strength, courage and (yes) vulnerability have been an honor to witness. Thank you for sharing with us, Jennie, and know that you are loved from places you didn’t even know existed.

  • Laura

    Jennie, I don’t know you, but found out about you through the Peanut Butter Pie post that was elsewhere (Apartment Therapy, perhaps?). I know as Day 1 turns into Day 50 turns into Day 100 and on and on, people tend to forget we are in pain, and slowly fall away again. Here is to the hope that those who love and support you will stick close by on any Day you may need them. <3

  • Cheri

    Jennie, I sent your website to a friend of mine that her husband also passed away suddenly at the age of 52. Her life changed in one afternoon but I told her about your blog and how inspiring you are to others. She is trying to find the reason why? but it is one day at a time for now. Thank you for being so inspiring and strong for others. I continue to follow you and wish you peace.

  • Sandie

    What can I say that will make you feel better? Nothing. I know this because I lost my sweet husband also. Each day does not get easier but you get used to life again. I don’t remember much of the first year after his death. Maybe I just don’t want to. But so many people’s warm thoughts are coming your way that I hope they help blanket you in their warmth.

  • Brandee Smith

    You are amazing! The pictures are beautiful. Each time I have been in New York over the last few months, I have wanted to stop by and see you (I hope that is not creeping you out. Since we don’t know each other). I simply want to see you to give you a hug, some words of encouragement and a listening ear. I hope you know that there are so many saying prayers on your behalf and that you can feel a little comfort from them. Hugs!

  • Joy-propertygal983

    Jennie,
    You have inspired me to love my husband deeper and to remember that we are here on earth together a short time. I love to cook and each meal I cook for him deepens my love of both.

  • rachel

    i check your blog almost everyday because even though i am one of the faceless thousands that came to know you from a peanut butter pie, i think about you and wonder how you are. i remember that first year, every time I woke up in the morning i had to remember everything all at once. sudden loss is different than those that get the chance to say goodbye. I wish you and girls all the wonderful things that the season can offer. thank you for putting your pain into words. you are making change that you will never even see.

  • Paola

    I know that this is a stupid thing to say, but with all your story, I mean Mikey’s and yours, I am never been able to look at my love story as before.
    I see my husband just like he is, a special person without who I cannot live….
    I believe in signs, I believe that Mikey look at you and the girls in every moments of life. I have no doubt about this, and I hope you will feel his love forever.
    Take care, you are a really strong woman and I wish you all the best.
    Paola

  • Judy

    Once again, I am touched and inspired by your post. I hope your girls know how lucky they are to have a mom like you and honored to have had a dad like Mikey.

  • Darcy

    Jennie–I love reading your blog–you are so inspirational. I am so sorry for your loss and applaud your incredible courage to share it with us. You are a wonderful woman and you inspire me and fill me with hope and love. I can’t imagine losing a husband. I just recently lost my Dad and I sometimes feel so alone and lost. Your blogs help. Thank you so much. Love you ♥

  • Kim in MD

    I am always moved by your posts, Jennie. This one is no different. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Shannon Caleval

    I’ve been following your posts since Mikey passed away and check every week to see how you are doing. Last Wednesday my husbands best friend was killed in a car accident. He was 44 and left behind a wife and two little girls 4ys and 10 months, Isabella and Julianna. We just got back from spending three days with her and her family. I wanted to tell her about you and what you’ve been through but the time never seemed right. I’m going to send her the link to your blog and tell her to start reading from “For Mikey”. I really think your words are going to help get Melanie through this. Thank you for always sharing, you are going to help so many people.
    Shannon Caleval

  • Shelley Tantau

    There are truly no words, but you’ve captured a moment in time so perfectly. May you continue to gain peace in your new world. May Mikey’s presence continue to be felt, in whatever little way you still feel him. Bless you and your girls. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.