total eclipse of the heart

This is what the sunset looks like from our deck on Cape Cod.

It might be more accurate to say this is what it used to look like, since this memory was captured last year when Mikey was still standing by my side watching it with me. I imagine I’ll be a wet mess of tears as I watch my first one this weekend without him. I hate the reality of my new world. I downright despise the unfairness of it all, and want to scream so loud he might actually hear me from wherever he’s watching this all unfold. I know he hates the brutality of it all too.

We lived for those sunsets. No matter what we were doing, the world went on pause, as we gazed at it, always in awe of how quickly those last few minutes flew by. That moment when the sun dips below the horizon, now reminds me of how quickly Mikey exited my world. In one sudden swoop, the fire in my soul was extinguished, and I’m left wondering if it will ever be ignited again.

121 Comments

  • Deborah

    Jennifer…I can’t begin to know what you are going through. You don’t know me as I’m merely a blog stalker…I love to read what you and other talented ladies write but I don’t actively participate. I know there are so many ladies, like myself, that you may not know, but are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers, as I am. Just know that although you are lonely, you are never alone…

  • Eatquestnyc

    i don’t think anyone could be more articulate. it’s raw and painful and beautiful. you are incredibly gracious and brave to share this.
    the sun does disappear so quickly but maybe this year the night sky will become revelatory and the deep darkness will hold you, and all those stars will have new meaning. i hope mikey will be reflected in their light and it brings you some measure of comfort.

  • Amelia from z tasty life

    Jenny: This metaphor is so powerful. There is comfort in knowing that after every sunset the sun rises again…
    You are sunshine to all of us.

  • jennifer

    I haven’t been able to put into words what I’ve been wanting to write to u, Deborah’s post says it all.

  • Deborah Mele

    Jennie, I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve never met you, but the day I heard about your husband I had a knot in my stomach all day long. You have had so much love generated your way from the food and blogging community I know you must be a genuinely nice person and I pray your strength will help you through this difficult period. Hope to meet you in person one day. When you are feeling down, please remember the love being sent your way from friends and strangers alike across the world.

  • Móna Wise

    Jennifer,
    Writing, and in particular your words, are therapy in itself.
    Life sucks. You have had some rotten cards dealt to you, for sure.
    But I am sure that the fire in your soul will re-ignite when the time is ready. You are letting it out right now, and that is crucial to the healing process. xx

  • Lyndsay

    Jennie, just maybe those sunsets will ignite more of us to know how precious life is. You taught me the preciousness of a peanut butter pie, and how in a second everything can change. In many, you have, I am sure, ignited a second chance. For you, your world and your life, I cannot even imagine, all I know for sure is I have thought about you constant since last Sunday, and although I cannot hug you, you have entered my soul. My heart goes out to you and your daughters in this very very tragic time. I am glad for you that the sunsets are there for you to embrace and you feel ignited again. xo

  • Lynda

    Jennie, I’ve only been following your blogs for a short time, and even though we are strangers, you’ve touched my heart. Please accept the love and comfort that is sent to you from me, you’ve made me laugh and now cry… this is life and we go on.

  • Quay Po Cooks

    Jennie, what you are going through is a replay of my own experience 22 years ago. I know what it is like, really I do. It takes time to get used to your new life. What kept me strong and hopeful is my son. No matter how difficult my days were, I survived it because I still have him. You too, you have your girls. Your pain will pass but it takes time. You may feel lonely but you are not alone. HUGS.

  • Cheryl

    Jennie, I’m one of your readers too. Sending big hugs to comfort you and your family. Keep strong Jennie. Your strength is in your writing and you write so well.

  • Sasha @ The Procrastobaker

    I dont think i could imagine a better metaphor for what you are going through than the one you talk of here, of the sun setting, so fast in those last few moments But hopefully it will rise for you too in the future as it inevitably does each day.

  • LCCotter

    I pray that you can feel mikey’s presence in that sunset. Maybe one day it will bring you comfort. Till then, we are here for virtual hugs.
    ((hug))

  • Jessica

    It is so very hard to suddenly loose someone we love. To love someone and not be able to be with them and have no choice in the matter. It is quite possibly the most gut wrenching feeling in the world. My heart, love and prayers go out to you, and will continue to.

  • Elizabeth

    Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
    and death is only a horizon;
    and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
    ~Rossiter Worthington Raymond
    I think of you so very often, and ache over your loss and pain. Please know that you and yours are treasured.

  • linda

    your posts tug @ my heart…i find myself coming to “in jennie’s” to see how you & your girls are doing… although i know the answer before i “click” on… i am one of many that are genuinely concerned (although we only “virtually” met).
    may you find inner peace & “light” as you move forward.
    sending you positive energy.

  • amy

    Hugs to you and your children. Every time you do something without your husband by your side will always be difficult and raw. You express your emotion so beautifully and I am in awe of how you do it. You keep going and I am just in awe of you.

  • claudia @whats cookin italian cuisine

    jennifer, I follow your tweets everyday, I know several have not seen the complete and utter changes in your life. No one can imagine unless they walk in your shoes, the grief, the pain, the emptiness. I just want to say I for one can see your pain, anger and frustrations of the whys, hows and whats next… there are no words to say, just support to hope and continue watching the time give you strength to move forward… a friend and support if you ever need to vent is here… Claudia What’s Cookin. The photo is lovely, as your memories.

  • KCbakes

    Jennie,
    I too echo Deborah’s post (2nd from top). I’m sitting here completely choked up, not even able to begin to imagine your heartache. Just hold on tight to your girls. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this incredibly tough time. If you find yourself sitting in a room, feeling alone, please boot up your computer. We are all here supporting you, you are a wonderfully kind, smart & talented soul.

  • Lynn Carbone

    Hi Jenny, My heart goes out to you. We recently Lost someone. My son 29 and girlfriend Jeniffer had a beautiful baby girl Eva Catherine January 19th 2011 on February 8, 2011 Jeniffer passed away also very unexpectedly. I can not really continue about what happened because i still can not compose my self on most days. I have moments everyday but you will find you get threw them and I can not tell you it will get better because it probably will not for a long time but you will find a way to have a life with your beautiful daughters for them you will be strong. I am strong for my son and my beautiful granddaughter I know have to be. I try not to think to far ahead because it destroys me. I am glad that my granddaughter is still to young to understand so i am thank full I do not have to try and explain but on the other hand i can not wait to tell her all about her mother. If you need to talk i am not far away SI. For now I bake and decorate cakes for family and friends and look foward to the days we have Eva (everyother weekend). Right now she is a happy beautiful baby girl. We love her and get through our days thinking about her.
    Hugs Lynn C

  • Rachel Willen

    Jenny, I posted in your honor and mike’s on my blog after I spent the last 4 days in the hospital…due to my own heart attack!…a fluke heart condition called SCAD that happens to healthy younger people you may want to read about…my heart ached for you as I wrote it…fully aware of the random, inexplicable mystery behind such unfair tragedies…I lost my mother suddenly in a car accident 5 years ago and it took me so long to stop being angry at the blatant cruelty of it…I wish you small comforts along this path of grief.

  • Stacy

    I am praying for you…sunsets are like kisses on your face…I think it is beautiful that you both had taken the time to appreciate the moments of sunsets together, and I’m thankful that your girls will be with you to soak in the sunsets with you.

  • Tracey

    Jennie
    I wish you rainbows, feathers and songs today, from Mikey. Don’t be afraid to look for them. I am praying for you, as many are. I know that you have a hard time waking up, more than normal and just living is a constant effort. If you ever need an ear, please don’t hesitate to write. Just put this is Jennie.It is hard to be so alone. Meditation and God helped me. I love everything so much more, even strangers.Love Tracey
    P.S. I may keep writing to you, checking on you, so you don’t have to post them.

  • Sara

    Praying again for you today…you’ll never know how profoundly your words are touching others. Hang in there, and go ahead and scream!

  • Judy

    Such a touching tribute to your husband and to your happy marriage. I don’t know you, but have been a subscriber for the past several months and have enjoyed your blog and recipes. Feel a connection because I love to bake and I have family in Carroll Gardens/Cobble Hill. My heart goes out to you and your daughters. Stay strong.

  • Kate Dolan

    As I think back about your writings about your father,your relationship, becoming a mother, your mother, your daughters, and your husband I am very aware of how much work you have been doing. I am deeply sorry that you have lost your husband, and that your girls have lost their father. I am also very clear that he was a great husband and a wonderful Dad. I also remember that he had a “long ago” history of chemo therapy that had made the possibility of parenthood unlikely.
    I want to acknowledge you for being such an enormous part of the wonderful adult life that Michael had. Your role as a wife and the mother of his children clearly created much joy in his everyday life.
    It is very possible that in another time he would have had none of these gifts, and a much shorter life than the too short one he had. He did have it,and you were the great gift in it. I am so glad that you had this time together.

  • Carrietracy

    Jennie,
    I am just so very, very sorry for your loss. Everything about it is wrong. Your writing is beautiful and a tribute to the amazing love between the two of you.

  • Kim in MD

    You are such a beautiful writer, Jennie. I can feel your excruiating pain through every word of your post. I lost my mother very suddenly 11 years ago. Overnight I became a motherless daughter. As I am typing this I am a wet mess, 11 years later. There is not a day that does by that I don’t think of and miss my mom- especially birthdays (hers, mine, my children’s)and holidays. I am especially sad that she didn’t get to see the beautiful grandchildren she cherished so much grow to be the amazing young people they are today, but to quote one of my favorite movies (Steel Magnolias)- life marches on. You are going to miss Mikey and think of all the things he has and will miss everyday for the rest of your life, but you will get through this. It’s ok if you are a wet mess as you see your first sunset from your deck without Mikey. It is ok to cry when you see the sunrise the next morning, knowing you have to get through another day without him. It’s ok to cry, and it’s ok for your girls to see you cry. Over time you will cry less, but you will never forget Mikey. I wish I could take away some of your pain, but I know from experience that I can’t…only time can heal a broken heart. All I can do, as a stranger who stumbled upon your blog last Saturday, is continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. You will definately be on my mind as the sun sets this weekend.

  • Peggy

    I just want you to know that I think of you often and when I do I ask for strength and courage for you as you face this grief… no words of platitudes here, just a sincere heart felt wish that there was some way to help you with your burden right now. Thinking of you!

  • Lindsay

    I am so sorry for your loss. I read about your story on another blog and sobbed as I read it. I made a peanut butter pie in honor of Mikey this week. I know we have never met but I just want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Fran

    Jennie, my thoughts and prayers are with you at this very difficult time. Your writing is so poignant and beautiful, instilled with the intense, raw emotion you are experiencing.
    May this gift be a source of comfort and strength in the days ahead.
    Holding you close in thought and prayer.

  • Vickie Medley

    Jennie…I’ve walked in your shoes and you often wonder if the pain will ever stop. Even our cat used to walk all around me as I sat and grieved and meowed the whole time while I sat in our closet among my husband’s clothes.
    The void in your heart will always be there. That’s a fact. But, slowly the good memories will keep resurfacing and you’ll begin to connect to people again. I was told that it would be good to create new traditions when my husband died. However, we so loved the traditions that we already had that we made the decision to keep them…and the comfort that they brought.
    It’s now been 23 years since he left our lives and I’ve been remarried for 3 years. Life goes on as you now look at it through different eyes and are even more grateful for each day. My last suggestion to you would be…don’t let others tell you how long you should grieve. Only you know when it’s time to move forward.

  • alison

    You’ve touched so many readers with the honesty and rawness of your writing. You’ve taught us all how important it is to cherish every day and take nothing for granted.

  • Ann

    Hello,
    I dont know you, nor do you know me. I saw a message from Recepie girl last week about a Peanut Butter Pie and that we all should make it on last Friday for your beloved husband. I just want you to know that I did make that pie and what a delish pie it was. It is very unfair that you lost your husband and even though we are not to ask why it does not make it any easier to get thru our loss to think that our loved one had another mission. I hope that seeing those sunsets and the memories that go with them, will bring you the strength and faith to get thru the days… ((HUGGS))

  • julie

    My heart breaks reading this..I can’t even imagine living it.
    I will keep your family in My prayers.

  • Patsy Witchey

    Jennie, I too have had a knot in my stomach ever since your posts began about Mikey’s passing. I’ve read and re read your entries, cried and hurt for you and your girls. I’m so sorry for you all! It’s terribly unfair and you are so justified in wanting to scream. Please know that we’re all thinking of you continually.

  • Melissa

    Sending you hugs of love and peace for your heart as you look at the sunset.
    I found this and thought of you and your two beautiful daughters…May you find the good from the bad.
    “Grief can awaken us to new values and new and deeper appreciations. Grief can cause us to reprioritize things in our lives, to recognize what’s really important and put it first. Grief can heighten our gratitude as we cease taking the gifts life bestows on us for granted. Grief can give us the wisdom of being with death. Grief can make death the companion on our left who guides us and gives us advice.
    None of this growth makes the loss good and worthwhile, but it is the good that comes out of the bad.”
    – Roger Bertschausen

  • Jersey Girl Cooks

    Jennifer, you are such a beautiful writer and I keep thinking about meeting you at BSP and the vibrancy of the person you are. I can’t even imagine the pain you are going through and pray that the fire gets ignited in you again. Love and prayers to you and your girls.

  • Lucy

    Jennie…my heart breaks for you. I hope that you and your girls can find some moments of joy as you work through the overwhelming sadness. It is horribly unfair and life sucks sometimes. Writing can be cathartic, so I hope you will continue either on your blog or in a journal. Will continue to pray for all of you.

  • Joan Nova

    I’m in awe of your ability to keep in touch and share your experience in such a profound and personal way. You’ve touched many people’s hearts and souls — and I hope you’ve felt the love returned to you and your girls.

  • emily

    Your words truly evoke the heartbreak that you are feeling. I continue to pray for you and your family as you struggle to make sense of this devastating new normal.

  • Le Heirloom Tomato

    Jennie, I think about you and Mikey often. I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. But this hard time will pass and the sun will warm your life and you heart again. Mikey wouldn’t want it any other way. I love you and your girls.

  • lisa

    I feel honored that you share this with the blogosphere. Thank you for that. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through, but I can empathize. Years ago, when my grandma died I was inconsolable. I screamed and yelled and destroyed a hair dryer (threw it on the floor and stomped on it. it sounds silly, but it helped me at the time).
    So, I say scream and yell and curse and get it all out. It will be very cathartic (a different sort of catharsis from your writing).
    You are stronger than you think and that fire will be ignited again…in time.

  • Elizabeth @ Saffron Lane

    Per Amelia’s comment, what a lovely and powerful metaphor. It’s sometimes tough for me to read your posts because it almost feels as if it pulls off fresh scabs that are slowly healing over my own wounds. But, among the tears that inevitably well up in my eyes, I can’t help but ready every last beautiful word. Although we’ve never met, please know I’m sending good thoughts to you and your girls every day.

  • Madeleine

    WOW. I am sobbing. Jennie please know that you are not alone in your sunsets. At the age of 8, while her mother was dying, my mother and I would watch sunsets. My mother, HiHo, died tragically suddenly young at 62. 12 years later, I am still reeling. Every sunset I see has that same tearful feeling. The beauty in it, I passed the love and memory on to my children. My kids will see a beautiful streak of color and say, “Mom, HiHo would have liked that!” You can see one of them on the header of my blog.
    I will keep you close to mind this weekend and make sure I watch the sunset with you, from my porch, with HiHo mysteriously by my side. Mikey – he’s there with you too.
    P.S. My kids had pie 2 mornings in a row.
    xo

  • Marisa

    The sun disappears only to reappear. Rage Against the Machine. Works well when the quiet stuff starts to hurt too much. Grace is in there somewhere. We promise.

  • Andrea

    I am so sorry that you’re experiencing such sadness. Please know that we are all thinking of you and sending you love and support as you go through this horribly difficult time. Your words were beautiful here, so touching and so raw. I hope that writing and sharing them has helped even just a little bit.

  • GirlCleveland

    I have no idea how I stumbled across your blog as I can’t cook. My husband of 232 days is Mike, but I always call him Mikey. When I first read your story, my Mike had gone out of town for work and all I wanted to do was hug him. Your story is touching and will remind me to cherish everyday together. Today I will attempt to make a peanut butter pie. I am so sorry for you loss. My warmest prayers, thoughts and love go out to you and your girls.

  • mosey (kim)

    Jennie, I don’t know you – you came on my radar through the massive re-tweeting of peanut butter pie posts in the food blogging community. But still, I wept as I read this. Many prayers and warm thoughts to you and your family.

  • Elizabeth Sherman

    Jennie, I live on Cape Cod and I’ve watched that sunset a million times–each time I’m amazed at how quickly the burning light dips below the horizon. I absolutely ache for you. I don’t even know you and the sadness is palpable. I am sending you love and light. Know we are all with you in spirit.

  • joanne nixon

    i don’t know you, nor did i know mikey…i came upon you and your blog accidentally….but then again, are there any accidents…or did we all come together through some cosmic source? i can’t know what it is like to lose a soulmate such as you have. your writing is beautiful and touches each one of us…this i know, just from reading the comments and from seeing all the peanut butter pies offered in tribute to your beloved.
    you are in our hearts and thoughts, jennie. you are blessed with the beautiful children that are living testimony to the love you and mikey shared…and they will give you solace..breathe, dear jennie….we are all breathing with you……

  • Michelle W. Flannery

    I didn’t marry until I was 45, and then, I lost my husband after less than 18 months of marriage. I understand where you are right now. I know that feeling of being lost between two worlds, connected to neither, and feeling everything so acutely that you think you aren’t feeling anything at all.
    Please, from my own experience let me offer this as comfort, if I may…
    You will find your way back. Love won’t let you stay away; and when your heart stops breaking, grief will morph into something else, something bittersweet at first, and then something rare and beautiful that you will carry with you always. It will become the silent part of your strength and passion, that part of you that only Mikey knew so well. You will become everything Mikey always knew you already were!
    God bless you, God bless your children, and God bless Mikey.

  • Deborah

    i’ve experienced a similar loss. be gentle with yourself. hug your children often. take one day at a time. a new “normal” will emerge but it takes time. you are a strong, loving and powerful woman.

  • Linda

    Dear Jennie,
    I keep coming back to your blog as if pulled by some invisible force. You are such a wonderful writer and I hope you continue writing for a long time to come. From what I picked up from your blog, it looks like you and your husband truly loved each other and cherished every moment together. Even before your husband’s passing, I could tell that you were well aware of the fact how fragile and ephemeral our life really is–some people never really get it.
    I can’t help but think of one of Warren Zevon’s last appearances on Letterman. When he was asked if he had any parting words (he knew that he didn’t have much time left) he simply said: “Enjoy every sandwich.” That seemingly simple sentence stayed with me to this day and I think of it often.
    I’ll be here, pulling for you wholeheartedly. I really do hope you feel the love and support we’re sending your way.

  • Elizabeth

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I think all of us pray we could help you in some way, that there was something we could do to at least ease your pain for a day. We are praying for you and your family.

  • Louisa T.

    You don’t know me and I just found your site via the peanut butter pie’s I saw on foodgawker. I can’t begin to imagine the loss that you feel right now. Just know that your inspiration has forced many in this world to hold their loved one’s just a tad bit closer…and longer. That fire inside you is only a glowing ember today. It hasn’t been completely extinguished. If for no other reason than those two beautiful daughters. Look for him in their eyes, their smiles, their tears. Mikey will be forever remembered because you will see him in them everyday for the rest of your life and until that day when you will be reunited in another place. Peace to you and your girls.

  • Carolyn

    Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you and your family. You’ll be in my continued thoughts and prayers.

  • Jenni

    I’m so glad you can write about what you’re feeling. For yourself, and for all of us. I know we all feel for you.
    The sun will continue to rise on beautiful days and to set on lovely nights. One day you’ll notice it again. And then, one day you will enjoy them again.
    Much love to you and your girls.

  • Valerie

    Oh my dear….how I WISH I could give you such a big hug….I lost 3 immediate family members last year in a short period and I soooo miss their hugs (my parents and most beloved dog)….Take care, your friend Valerie up in southern Manitoba xo

  • Lily

    Jennie,
    The recent posts on your blog have touched me deeply and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through right now. My thoughts are with you and your family. I wish you all a long and happy life
    x

  • Lisa

    Hello Jennie,
    Yes, you will probably be a “wet mess” at some point. It’s OKAY. But I also know the Cape to be a place of great healing, and I hope you find peace being somewhere that you and Mikey both loved.

  • Claudia

    Time…time will help you each day to move forward for yourself and for your girls. The lose and pain that is so overwhelming now, with time will loosen it’s grip on you and eventually let you breath again.

  • Lindsey @ Why Just Eat

    My heart is absolutely breaking for you and your girls. I cannot imagine a single day without my husband in it – and I’m sure you still can’t imagine your days without your husband, either. Some day, it will get easier. Some day, you’ll wake up and not feel like you’re underneath the weight of the whole world. Some day, you’ll be able to smile at memories instead of cry. I hope those days come sooner rather than later, but they will come. I pray for you and your daughters every single day.

  • Emily

    I clicked on a link about Peanut Butter Pie on a food and lifestyle blog that I follow, and as a result have read your posts…I don’t know what to say as there are no words to comfort and console at such a time.
    I am very sorry for your loss- that probably sounds hollow and what everybody says but I can only imagine what you are going through and don’t know you personally, but my heart honestly aches when I read your posts.
    I pray that one day it will get a little easier for you to bear.

  • Ann

    I can only pray that one day the sunset will bring happy memories. In the mean time – know that you are in my heart…

  • Pat Kuhn

    for my husband and I it was the sunrise at the shore. we would get up early and drive down to the Jersey shore to make the sunrise if we were not staying down for a few days. a few weeks before he died we went down with another couple. when we told them what time to meet up with us they thought we were out of our minds. but when you have something you love to share it is important and you hold it with you forever. this blog is good for you. when my husband died I dived into scrapbooking and genealogy. love and hugs to you and your family from someone you do not know but knows what you are going through.

  • Krista

    I lost my best friend almost ten years ago very suddenly. She just didn’t wake up one morning. It STILL hurts to the bone. I imagine that the pain of losing a spouse, someone who is such an integral part of you, is my pain multiplied by about a billion…and the thought of it brings me to my knees for you. I can offer you nothing but support, prayers and a virtual hug, and wishing I could do more. I don’t think time heals; I’ll never believe that. I think time lessens the abruptness of the pain…your heart doesn’t lurch in anguish at memories anymore. Until then, I will lift you up in prayers for strength and comfort.

  • CareyPence

    Jennie,
    There are no words to sooth or heal but know that you are held up by your readers in thoughts and prayers. Your honesty is refreshing. You honor Mikey’s memory.
    I hope your time on the Cape will hold peace, rest and act like a balm for your heart.

  • Monica

    You would probably smack me if you could for what I’m about to say, but…time is an “I-can- function-better-today” maker. Not a healer. It’s not fair when people tell you that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t. But time makes it so that you find your new normal, whatever that looks like. And time allows you to get to the place where you can function, with that ability to function getting better. You’ll breathe in, you’ll breathe out. You’ll get better at doing that. You’ll watch more sunsets without your sweet Mikey. And, to what I’m sure is your current dismay, you’ll get better at doing that too. Praying for you, Girl. 🙂

  • IlinaP

    All my love to you, my friend. Hugs Hugs Hugs… And if you ever want to scream and drop the F-bomb in your delightful Brooklyn accent, just call me.

  • Paula Briggs

    I found your blog through facebook and find myself coming each day to see what you’ve written. My husband has stage IV cancer and even as I write he is recovering from the his most recent chemo treatment. It is a very rare cancer and is terminal, there is some hope they may be able to slow the cancer – if he responds. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I spend each day wondering how I will live without him and find inspiration in your blog. I hope as you feel that warmth from the setting sun on your face you also feel him sending his love for you to warm you and your heart. God Bless!

  • Kristy

    Ohhh.
    I don’t know you, your girls, or your Mikey. I don’t even pretend to know the depths of your sadness right now. I am not even a regular reader- I have only just now stumbled across your blog. So I hope I am not intrusive nor out of line when I say the one thing I DO know, learned from reading all these heartfelt comments. And that is, that all over the world, in every corner, there are friends (many of whom you haven’t even met) who are sending you love in these days. I hope that during some of the hardest moments you can feel that love and draw on that strength.
    Hugs from Australia,
    Kristy. x

  • GT

    Jennie,
    I think that one of the mysteries of mourning is how you can feel angry and numb at the same time. I’m one of many many people around the world sympathizing with you and hoping that our support helps you through.
    GT

  • anne riccioli paraskevas

    Dear Jennie, I don’t know you of course, but I heard that you lost your Mikey… I am just sending out good wishes to you and your girls.. no one knows how it feels, so God Bless you, and may you find some measure of comfort… this is so unfair.. huugggs, anne

  • Megan

    i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
    my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
    i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
    by only me is your doing, my darling)
    i fear
    no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
    no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
    and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you
    here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
    and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
    higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
    i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
    ee cummings
    My heart aches for you. I carry this poem with me and recite it to those I love. Please accept my sincerest condolences.

  • Amy Odell

    Jennie,
    I don’t know you obviously, but your recent loss has touched me deeply. Five months ago my Father-in-Law passed suddenly from lung failure, leaving my family in the biggest haze I have ever come to know.
    Please know that you are not alone, and are clearly loved and supported by what I am sure is a intimate friend and family circle as well as a sudo-food-family.
    I didn’t join everyone on making a chocolate peanut butter pie. Although I would have made my kids really happy 😉 but I did want to share my blog post that I created when we first went through this same pain that you are in now. http://goodkarmaeats.blogspot.com/2011/04/out-of-darkness-comes-light.html
    We are still coping every day. Each of us in our own unique way. It’s kind of interesting to see how we deal differently. But just know that you will survive.
    Just take it day by day..

  • Danica

    I don’t know you other than through the blog- but please know that I think of you even when I’m not at my computer. I hope for comfort for you.

  • Tracey

    Jennie,
    I hope a smile will cross your face with a happy moment sent by Mike!
    May a rainbow cross your path today.
    Tracey

  • Egle

    I found your story through another blog which was posted on my friend’s Facebook. You are one amazing woman, Jennie. Your blog made me cry when I read it. I cannot imagine your pain that you are going through. I wish no one would have to go through this. The biggest condolences from Sweden.
    Strangely, on the same day my other friend posted a link to this article: http://www.stuff.co.nz/the-press/news/5482304/Forever-changed I think you should write him. No one else can understand your pain besides someone who has gone through the same.

  • Talia

    Jenny,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful words touched my soul and I can feel your pain. Please know (although you don’t know me) you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Hugs…

  • Karen (SubMommy)

    My friend, Kim, had just given birth to her second daughter (the older was was just barely two years old) when her husband suddenly died of a brain aneurysm.
    Four years later she is standing on her own two feet, and has found her way to her new normal. She misses her husband terribly, of course, but has found her way through the darkness to happiness with her daughters.
    I realize that you don’t know me from anyone, but I would be more than happy to connect you to Kim. I know she is very open to reaching out to people who have had similar things happen.
    My twitter handle is @kelmar4. Feel free to DM me.

  • Barefeet In The Kitchen

    We don’t know each other at all, but I pray for you and your girls frequently. Your words are beautiful and my heart aches for you. Praying peace and comfort however possible will find it’s way to you today.

  • Benthe

    I didn’t post anything yet I think. I just want to say a few things.
    At first I’m so sorry for you, your kids and everyone who new him. But especially you and the close ones. The first years coming up will be really hard. I wish I could say that it wasn’t, but it is. After that, it still will be painfull, but you’ll definitely start enjoying life more and more again.
    After that I want to say you are such a powerfull woman. It won’t help anything right now, but these writings are gorgeous and I really think this will help you process beter.
    And at last, I’m sorry that I can’t donate any money ’cause I’m a 15 year old kid, but I’ll definitely make the pie soon, I even think two. One to eat with my family and after that one with my friends. I don’t know what I would do if I lost someone near me right now. You’re so strong.
    Love,
    Benthe

  • Maureen

    Your story makes me cry but your love and life together inspire me immensely. So many people never find an instant of that kind of love, respect and devotion. He was a very special man made for a wonderful woman. My thoughts are with you and your girls.

  • robin pulsifer

    hi, i stumbled upon your beautiful blog via bliss blog and i just wanted to say that i’m soooo sorry about your husband. after reading your posts i was sorry that my first experience getting to know you and your blog was with such an event of which i cannot comprehend. i wanted to tell you also that after reading that you live on cape cod? i was also floored as i too live on cape cod, in osterville. if you ever need to talk, stop by blog for my e-mail (pulsiferrobin@gmail.com). thinking of you and your family…robin from avant garde design.

  • Jennifer Willis

    Dear Jennie,
    For me and my husband it was thunderstorms, and I have only forced myself to go out on our porch to watch them once since he died, suddenly from a heart attack 15 months ago. I have three young children, and the sadness of what he is missing, what they are missing and what I am missing is still overwhelming at times. I hate that I am not the only one that has to go through this. Tomorrow as I watch the sunset, I will cry with you and your girls.

  • T

    I can feel you pain in my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the little piece of your heart you saved for you will continue to grow. Peace, love and positive vibrations headed your way.

  • zenchef

    I was away and I just found out, Jennie. I’m totally shocked, numb and speechless and somehow I can relate to the pain you’re going through, I lost a parent at a young age. My heart goes out to you and your little ones. Things will get better with time.

  • Beth Gallagher

    Dearest Jennifer,
    My heart is broken with yours, as I know that Mikey was a wonderful person to have married such a wonderful and loving woman. Having also experienced such loss in the past year, I hope that my favorite Winnie The Pooh quote comforts you even a little.
    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.” ~Winnie The Pooh

  • Terry C

    Dear Jenny, I’m new to your blog, but want you to know I’ve been thinking about you and your girls (I have 3 girls of my own). My cousin lost her husband when she was about your age, suddenly — he died of a reaction to a bee sting. She, too, felt so alone even in a room full of people. Our hearts just broke for her, as so many hearts bear compassion for you. I just wanted you to know you are thought of. I’m very sorry for the loss of such an obviously beautiful man and relationship. also holding your little ones in my thoughts.

  • tania

    Hello Jenny,
    i’ve just lost my dad last week (he was a champion, he even had the fastest cancer i’ve ever heard of – in 11 days after diagnosis, he was dead…) so I really feel what you mean.
    I can only tell you that I’m deeply touched by your story and that your love for Mickey shines through the world – I live in Paris – and, i guess, the universe.
    It’s beautiful to see the friendship of other bloggers, may you feel it deep in your heart, may it reassures you that the world is not that empty in the end, may it gives you enough courage to carry on.
    I know that the sunshine, the pancakes and the rest might never be the same to you, but i’m sure you will discover a new strength.
    I’m glad you’re back to cooking.
    Taste is life.
    We are with you and we trust your taste !
    Take care,
    best

  • Bree

    Wow, Jennie. Each of these posts, these bits of your life you’ve shared, every word, is heartbreakingly beautiful. Even as you are grieving for Mikey, you come here and you tell us of him and create a gorgeous masterpiece of love and memories. The raw emotion in everything you’ve said touches me deeply, and I can’t help thinking Mikey cherishes it as much as I do. I feel so honored that you would share him with all of us–the pain you feel at the loss of him, but also the joy he brought you–and I feel like nothing else could honor his precious life as much as these things you tell us, because the love for him that pours out is awe-inspiring.
    The loss of someone you will love forever is the most excruciating emotion anyone will ever feel, but I hope that time, love, memories and food can help soothe your aching soul. Know that you’re in my thoughts no matter how well or how little I know you.

  • Amanda

    My heart aches for you. Life is so short and it seems so incredibly cruel for it to end so abruptly. Words cannot express how sorry I am for the loss of your husband. I cried reading all of your blogs and just know that I’m praying for you and the girls.

  • Princellar (Prince) Bland

    Hi Jenny, I’ve only been following your blog for about a week now when I first read about your loss and I’ve finally mustered up the courage to send you this simple comment of condolences. I just created a blog because of not only a love of food but also for the guy who is the love of my life so as I start my journey into the blogging world yours and your husbands love will be an inspiration to me and for me, and even though I didn’t have a chance to make the Peanut butter pie for my guy, my next free weekend I will bake that for him and think of you. My prayers go out to you and your little girls, may peace surround you with each new day.

  • Claudie Frid

    I have so many things to say, but most comments here have said it all.
    I’m sending LOVE from Ontario, Canada to you sweet Jenny. My husband and I celebrated our 23rd Anniversary in May and suppose to have taken a trip to N.Y., but things got in the way. I’m happy to report that after reading your sweet blog we packed our bags and left. It was an 8 hr. drive, but it was the best one ever. What I do want to share with you is that we ate at BUBBA GUMP’s Rest. And remember his sweet “Jenny”? well there you were, sitting right beside us eating lots of butter and batter together.
    I’m so so so sorry that you will not wake with your sweetheart beside you again tomorrow morning. I’m so sorry that your girls will not have their dad to guide them. Too many sorry’s and not enough days.
    Keep cooking Jenny, comfort food, love from friends and family. You will be ok, I know it.
    Love Claudette
    xoxoxoxo

  • Samantha

    I write this as my eyes well up with tears. I want to send you my
    Love and strength during a time that I can only imagine
    To be so difficult. About a year ago, my good friend lost her
    Husband, 36 yrs old on the beach in Aruba. He died of a heart attack.
    A young, sweet, incredible man who was a dear friend of mine. Brace yourself so you can look forward. As long as you advance, new hope will be born. The sun will rise. Only when you continue to advance can you encounter an even better, more wonderful you.

  • tea

    I hug you, over and over again, from the other side of the world…
    My son was, by chance and good luck, diagnosed with Wolf-Parkinson-White syndrome … he was 14 at the time, and we did the ablation and he is fine, but every time I hear of sudden heart attacks I thank our luck in finding out… and being able to cure as well…
    I think of you often, stranger on the other side of the Atlantic, and send you strength to keep breathing, keep going, and I promise, one day you’ll breathe without having to think about it…

  • Dave

    Jenny, I followed Foodista over here. The peanut butter pie got me. I lost my soulmate and love of my life 3 years ago to breast cancer so I know what you are going through right now and my heart goes out to you. This is the most difficult thing that can happen to a person. You have lost your whole world and if there was something I could say to make you feel better about it I would. Unfortunatly there is nothing in my vocabulary to do that.

  • Georgi

    I found your blog through another blog & so on. I am terribly guilty of taking my wonderful husband for granted. Terribly…. I am so VERY sorry for your loss & please know you touched A WOMAN’S ungrateful soul tonight & changed her life…. You may never understand the reason’s why Mikey left you so soon.. Maybe “I” am just one of them. ~Hugs~

  • Sally

    I’ve not had a husband die, but I’ve lost others close to me and had other fire-in-the-soul-extinguishing events in my life. I guarantee you that with time, the fire returns. It just takes time.