what lies ahead {day 144}

It seems fitting to talk about pizza on this very last post of 2011, for it's how I started 2011 when it dawned almost a year ago. Pizza is something we take very seriously here. Years ago, I started the tradition of Pizza Fridays. It seemed we always ordered on Fridays, and as cooking from scratch became an obession, it just made sense to start making it myself too. It was never about taking a break from cooking, it was about creating more family time.

Our usual routine was to curl up on the couch, pies strewn across the coffee table as we settled in for a movie. In the last year, Mikey often came home from work as the movie was winding down, but his first bite of pizza always elicited the same reaction. He'd close his eyes, take a deep breath, then sink his teeth into the crispy crust. Next came an exhale, then he'd open his ebony eyes and say "damn, how do you do it!".

I miss him more than I can ever convey with mere words.

This past week, I've felt numb and in shock all over again. I stare at his pictures, desparately remininding myself that our life together wasn't a dream. How is it in just 144, he seems so far away. We spent more than 5,000 together, yet each one that passes since August 7th feels like someone is slowly taking an eraser to the blackboard of my life.

It's like a slow, painful shake of an etch a sketch, as I scramble, trying to cling to each moment of every memory, knowing they have to last a lifetime.

In my most desparate moments I retreat to the kitchen. It is the only place I feel normal and in control of my life.

On Christmas morning, I set my mind to making Mikey a cake. A glorious coffeecake flecked with bits of pear and adorned with an allspice pecan crumb topping.

This morning, I had a challenging day ahead of me, so I set out to make a breakfast Virginia and often enjoyed. Nothing fancy, just poached eggs, toast and apple slices. Okay, maybe the fresh squeezed blood orange juice upped the fancy ante, but anyone can make orange juice. The point is, this simple homemade breakfast nourished more than just my belly.

When Mikey was alive, he used to walk Isabella to school while Virginia and I got a slow start to our morning. We'd watch The Cat in the Hat while poking at the yolks on our poached eggs. She remembers those mornings vividly, and recalled them today as we sat at our new table and dipped toast into the pools of yolk.

Mikey is not here in the physical sense anymore, but we can continue to live many parts of our lives as we did before. The challenge is not to focus on the gaping hole in every memory.

I thought I had that under control until Hanukkah and Christmas came along. I know I will get back on the saddle come January, but right now I just want to stomp my feet like a toddler. I don't want to turn the page come 12:01 on January 1st.

I don't want to face a year in which he will have never lived.

Never laughed.

Never held me.

Never kissed me.

And yet I have to, so I move forward with a line from my favorite Christmas movie in my head:

"I believe, I believe, it's silly but I believe."

I made a commitment to dream big, so I'll float into 2012 with an open mind and hope my heart follows.

Comments

[Melissa]

Happy New Year, Jennie! May 2012 burn the memories deeper and make your heart lighter. Sending you peace and happiness in the new year. XOXO

[Heather Conklin]

This post brought tears to my eyes. Your words make me see so clearly what you are going through..yet I cannot imagine. I get the turning of the year. I know it is hard but there's no stopping time. I think about you a lot. My daughter has a friend who is actually here tonight and tomorrow night. She is 12 like Graysen. She lost her father this year and I just don't know what to say. I think about you and your posts when I am around them. Stay strong, Jennie. Take care..hugs..Heather

[Angie]

This is exactly the way I felt when I entered into 1997 - leaving behind 1996 the year my husband died. We had only been married 3 months when he died of a heart attack at 42. I remember the dread of facing a year he had never lived. I will never tell you it gets easier - I hated when people told me that. I hold you in my heart, you and your daughters. I have never met you and most likely never will but we are connected, sadly.

[elizabeyta]

This touched me. Dream big and soar. If you need to retreat at times and regroup do. Sometimes, you need to stomp your feet and shout at the heavens as well. (((hugs)))

[Heather in SF]

I'm wiping tears from my cheeks as I read this. I wish next year is a good one for you and your girls. The road of grief is a long one but some days it is easier to tread.

[Cindy Rescigno]

Jennie, I can't imagine your pain, but I admire your strength more than you could ever know. I hope your memories comfort you in the days ahead. Cindy

[Jacqueline]

I want for you every big dream that you dream to come true. Most especially the one that simply can't. You continue to touch me deeply with your powerful words. Wishing you continued grace and peace throughout the New Year.

[Amanda @ Once Upon a Recipe]

Jennie, your strength and courage amazes me every day. Best wishes to you and your girls today, tomorrow, and every day of the new year that awaits you. xoxo

[Sonja]

Jennie,

I am proud of how you're forging ahead. I don't know that in your stead I'd be as brave. We've had our own challenging year, but nothing that compares to what you and your little ones have been through. May 2012 and the years that that follow bring you peace, solicitude and a chance to watch your daughters grow and become your friends and companions. And, ultimately may the Universe grant that you and Mikey will be together once more. Best wishes from an-amateur-at-best home cook in Ontario, Canada! Sonja

[anneliesz]

The shake of the etch a sketch to signify memory - the drifting into 2012 - these hurt. Hang in there.

[Iwantyourblog.wordpress.com]

I cannot imagine.

Thank you so much for your words these last few months. Sending wishes of a hopeful and bright 2012 to you and your girls.

[Maria]

I can only imagine how difficult the holidays have been for you. Your absence from writing has not gone unnoticed, so I've been adding you to my prayers. May your big and little dreams come true in 2012.

xo Maria

PS I decided two days ago to have a bunch of friends over tomorrow night and I'm going to make my Sicilian grandmother's pizza. I named my blog after that very line, "I believe." It's my favorite Christmas movie.

[MCKENZIERosa18]

Buildings are not very cheap and not everybody can buy it. However, loans was created to help people in such cases.

[jennie]

Jennie, my heart is with you as you ring in this New Year. I think of and pray for you daily, hoping the journey gets better, easier with every step. And although sometimes it feels as if you are falling backwards, I am just one of many who are here to help you back up. Wishing I could lend a hug and a smile, but all I can offer is hope for your New Year.

[Judi]

Best wishes to you and your girls for a happy and healthy 2012.

[Kathy]

I read every one of your posts. I actually look forward to them when I check emails and there is one from you...just to know you are out there and ok.

Thank you for reminding me what is important in my life.

I wish you and your girls only the best for 2012 - keep fighting for yourself and for your loved one.

Kathy

[Rose D., Frenchtown, NJ]

This post gave me a huge lump in my throat. My heart is filled with love for you and the girls. 2012 will bring many new, unexpected things but I think it's beautiful that you continue with the traditions that you and Mikey had! Sending big, warm hugs to you today. ~rose

[Maria]

You can do it Jenny, one day at a time...find strength in the love that you shared, you need to stay strong for your girls, they need you. Trust me I know of the love you miss, I miss mine as well, I cannot think of him without tearing up, to this day and it is over 32 years. People say that time heals I say Bull S#%&, it only gets easier because you know you have to get over the grief or you will not be able to go on...2012 will come, you will be fine because your Jenny Perillo, and you are a strong determined woman Happy New Year...we will go on...

[Dottie]

Hugs to all the Perillo girls! May 2012 bring you happy days, fresh experiences, and may your special angel watch over you with a smile as you make new family memories. Good days lie ahead!

[Sheilah Lowe]

I cannot imagine what you are going through. Just know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Wishing I could just give you a hug. Wishing you and your girls all the very best in the New Year.

[amy]

Jenny, You are so strong and I know that is something you don't want to hear but you are. This time of year is a hard time and someday it wil be better. So Dream BIG and hug your girls and remember we all love you.

[movita beaucoup]

Sending you wishes for some magic in 2012...

[Sandie]

Please remember Mikey is still with you. He's there watching you and the girls. I truly believe this. I know how hard all the first's are, will be, since I've gone thru them myself. But keep talking to Mikey. He's there listening. Loving all of you forever.

It's been 5 1/2 yrs since I lost my husband; seems like a life time and seems like just yesterday. Prayers are always coming your way from many of us.

[IlinaP]

We're here to meet you in 2012 with open arms. Love to you.

[Winnie]

Beautiful words, Jennie. Sending a hug and best wishes for 2012.