chocolate gingerbread doughnuts {day 130}

Mikey never guessed fatherhood was one of his destinies to be fulfilled. He was diagnosed with a medical condition in his early twenties, which required a form of chemotherapy treatment to help him heal. This was a decade before we met.

At the time, his doctor told him to put some of his "boys" on ice just in case he wanted to have kids one day. When I became pregnant, saying we were shocked is putting it mildly—I was on the pill too. You know that little disclaimer about using backup contraception if you're on antibiotics? Well, it wasn't there back in 2002.

And thank heavens it wasn't.

To think one simple sentence could've changed the course of our lives would've surprised me 130 days. Now, I know how one split-second can change a life forever.

The change that happened on August 7th sucked.

The one that occurred on one day in July of 2002—that was one of the best things that ever happened to both me and Mikey.

Are you listening to mommy Isabella? One day, if you're reading this when you grow up, I want to remind you that YOU are special.

YOU were our miracle.

YOU were our gift.

YOU coming into our lives was the most defining moment in daddy's life.

Loving you helped daddy realize his full potential as a person. You opened his heart in ways I never could've. The love a father and daughter share is a bond that death can never take away.

Today, Isabella and I had to relive the day Mikey died. In watching her talk about the events of the day, and answering her questions, I learned something too—confronting the fear takes away its power. Yes, sadness will take its place, but the fear cannot rule you anymore.

My fears have been many. The last few days I've been forgetful. When I opened the pantry tonight to get some chocolate for a recipe, I couldn't remember where I placed it. This may not sound like a big deal, but it lead to me to start thinking I had a brain tumor and only months to live.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, but forgetting where something I use everyday was stored, unnerved me. It's all about a sense of control these days. The truth is, sleep is something that doesn't come easy this last week. As the holidays draw closer I miss Mikey so much.

I do my best to harness happiness every step of the way, but the quiet nights are not easy. So I retreat to the kitchen and bake at 10:00pm. Tonight I realized I need to confront my fear.

Sharing new recipes with you doesn't make his death permanent. A disease that affects one in a million—literally, is what ripped him from our lives.

One in a fucking million! (pretend you didn't see that if you're still reading Isabella)

My husband had to be the one millionth person in line for Good Pasture's Syndrome?

Are you kidding me?

Tonight I'm giving fear the middle finger. You won't own me.

Tonight I'm going to soak my pillow with tears.

Tonight I will let the sadness take hold, and hope as I always do that Mikey will come to me in my dreams.

But first, I'm going to do something that makes me happy. As I typed that last sentence the tears stopped flowing, and now cling gently to my eyelashes. Just the thought of sharing a new recipe with all of you made me stop and smile.

So many of you say I inspire you, but really it is all of you who give me hope, and for that gift I come bearing chocolate gingerbread cake doughnuts. Wrap your arms around yourself and hold on tight—that's me hugging you, wishing you a happy and merry. Here's to peace, love and happiness—and leaving fear behind as 2011 weaves into 2012.

Chocolate Gingerbread Cake Doughnuts

makes 18

These doughnuts are lovely to eat, and look at, with a simple sprinkling of conectioner's sugar. I couldn't stop there, though, and decided to dip them in some of this homemade caramel sauce I had in the fridge. The gold glitter is always a pretty touch, and can be found at most cake decorating stores.

1 1/4 cup (168 grams) flour

1/2 cup (45 grams) dark cocoa powder (I use Guittard or Valrhona)

1/2 cup (100 grams) natural cane sugar

2 teaspoons (10 grams) baking powder

1/4 teaspoon (1 gram) baking soda

1/2 teaspoon (2 grams) fine sea salt

1/4 teaspoon cloves

3/4 teaspoon (2 grams) ginger

1/4 teaspoon (1 gram) cinnamon

2/3 cup (175 ml) milk

1 large (50 grams) egg

4 tablespoons (2 ounces/60 ml) brewed coffee, cooled

2 tablespoons (28 grams) butter, melted & cooled

Preheat the oven to 425ºF with the rack adjusted to the center position. Coat three 6-doughtnut nonstick baking pan with cooking spray; set aside.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, cocoa, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt and spices; set aside.

In a measuring cup or small bowl, use a fork to beat together the milk, egg, coffee and butter until well blended. Pour over the flour mixture and stir with a wooden spoon until just combined and there are no visible traces of flour. Evenly spoon batter into the prepared doughnut pans.

Bake one pan at a time on the center rack for 8 minutes, until the doughnuts spring back when touched*. Remove from oven and transfer to a wire rack to cool completely. Repeat with remaining filled doughnut pans.

* Really, don’t try to bake two or three at once. They won’t bake evenly, and since the cooking time is so brief, opening the door to alternate trays would throw off the oven temperature. The doughnuts cool enough to release from the pan after about 5 minutes, so you’ll have the third tray ready by time the

Update 12/16/2011: A few people have mentioned they don't have doughnut pans and are wondering if they could bake this recipe in another type of pan. I can't 100% confirm baking times, but do think trying a smaller size pan, such as cupcakes, mini-loaves or even a mini-bundt pan, as one person suggested, would work. If you do try this out in a different pan, please feel free to leave a note in the comments with baking times and serving sizes. Thanks so much!

Comments

[Lia Moran]

Beautiful post, Jennie. And of course, now I am hungry. Big hugs to you and the girls.

[debra/eatquestnyc]

a toast to that! and wishing you an extra hug back, the strength to let the pillow dry and rise again, and selfishly - the joy that sharing your food gives you to continue and grow because it gives us (me) so so much as well. thank you for the donuts.

[Scott]

Sharing your life, your stories, your most personal stories is a way to heal. Your strength is amazing, and so is this recipe. Gingerbread doughnuts, with caramel sauce! Wow. :)

[Marisa]

Not sure if this will be at all comforting, but learned in exhibit on the brain at AMNH that the cells responsible for memory shrink after traumatic/stressful episodes as a means of self preservation. This was studied in soldiers with PTSD, which is obviously not the same, but my cousin who recently lost his dad in a freak accident reports some memory loss. Jeff says that in the year since he lost his Dad, he has been depressed and part of that is losing his keys a lot. So, with all you have faced, I am not surprised you've misplaced the chocolate. I hope in 2012, there are many things you will find again that you thought you'd lost, too. And maybe some new things will just appear to you that you weren't even seeking.

[Angel]

Go Jennie, Go!

[Jessica R.]

Thank you for this gift Jenny. And I'm not just saying that because I have a slightly unhealthy relationship with donuts!

I wish I could hug you in person this week and wrap you in a warm embrace. Thinking of you...

[Amanda]

Lovely, as always. Merry Christmas to you and your girls Jennie. All the very best to you in 2012. <3

[Kathryn]

Best wishes for 2012 for you and your girls.

[Maria]

Jennie what can I say, that is so beautiful but so stinkin sad, my heart just aches for you...thank you for the hug, right back at you girl...those donuts look amazing, but I swear I am going to start my diet Jan 1!! this paisano is going to do it this time!!
Merry Christmas to you and the girls...maria

[Kathy H.]

Hugs to you Jennifer. You have such a soothing way of writing, a calm comes over me when I read your entries. I'm going to try this recipe with my daughter.

[Jessica / Green Skies and Sugar Trips]

"confronting the fear takes away its power" oh Jennie that sentence means so much, thank you. My heart just goes out to you so much, and I wish I could give you a big hug. I know nothing I can say would make it better, but please know that YOU do inspire me, you, and Mikey, and your love, it all inspires me. In so many ways. And for that, I thank you :-)

[karen]

I am going to tackle this recipe on Sunday; it looks fabulous. It's not something I would normally make, but after reading your post I will create a celebratory batch in honor of your flipping fear the bird! Thanks, Jennie.

[Melissa]

So proud of you!!! {she says with tears streaming down her face} XOXO

[Elizabeth]

These are gorgeous!

[Rachel Willen]

Jenny,

Thanks for the donuts! What a shock to learn about Mikey's condition. One in a million...I know how that makes you feel...so off balance to know that life can change in a heartbeat. I lost my mom in a car accident and will never forget the shock of that call... I had a heart attack this year from a rare condition called SCAD...that effects perfectly healthy women..many young and pregnant...just three days after you lost Mikey....so I've been really with you since that week when someone told me about your blog...I look forward to seeing you get back into the kitchen and share more with us...and it makes me feel good to know it's such a comfort to you....

[Treasa]

You are an amazing woman! Reading your blog reminds me of what really matters and is important. I want to wish you and your girls a Merry Christmas. Here's to leaving the fear behind!

[Kim in MD]

The tears are streaming on my face as I finished this post, too, Jennie. I have never heard of Good Pasture's Syndrome, but I clicked on the link to get more information. The doughnuts look incredible, and I'm glad that making them brought you some comfort. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Robin]

Oh thank you. this is the perfect treat for our holidays! And please, keep writing.

[Pat]

Thanks for sharing about your pregnancy. The exact same thing happened to my daughter! Isn't God good! He knew I wanted to be a grandma SOOO bad! ;) My thoughts and prayers are with you and Isabella. I can't even begin to understand. Most blessings..

[Joni]

I have been reading your blog for some time now, but have never commented until now. I have to tell you that you never cease to amaze me. Your words, strength, insights, and love you have shown, are inspirational. Inspirational not in the religious sense...inspirational in the human sense. Much love to you and your girls!

[SimplyTastyBits]

Any recommendations on the best pan to use for folks who don't have doughnut pans? Would these work as muffins or small loaves of bread?

Might I also recommend, in addition to holiday music blasting this season, giving Florence and the Machine's new album Ceremonials a listen. Cathartic and powerful do not say enough about the songs.

[kathleen]

Jennie, I am a new reader of your blog, and am touched by your generosity in sharing your story, trials, and triumphs. Thinking of you & your girls & Mikey very often. I am well acquainted with grief, and mental confusion and forgetfulness go hand in hand in the early months. For quite some time after our daughter died I felt like I had half a brain. So do not worry about your brain right now! Be gentle with yourself. Best Regards, Kathie Interess

[Stephanie]

Ah Jennie, your words continue to inspire me. Just getting through these holidays will be so tough, and yet you will come out the other side stronger. Each "first" without Mikey would be so much harder to overcome without the wonderful things you shared and created together to help you through those difficult times. Looking at what you fear or dread, and then plowing through them while holding onto the good memories can help break the hold it has over you. When the heartbreak and sorrow comes, hold onto what was wonderful in your lives together and happiness will come as well.

[Lauren V]

I am a new reader to your blog- I think you are amazing. Your posts and recipes are so genuine and heart felt.
Lots of love and big hugs to you, thank you for sharing your first new recipe with us. I look forward to trying to make it and in the meantime I enjoy cooking and reading your older recipes.

[Carolyn]

Thank you for sharing what's on your heart and for this new recipe -looks delicious! Baking is my comfort, too and I totally understand backing in the middle of the night to calm and sooth. I wish you peace.